A grieving father who lost a son to drug addiction
by Michael H.
(Royal Oak, MI )
My 25 year old son, Nicholas, died on September 30, 2016 after 7 or 8 years of addiction to drugs, but this time the heroin was mixed with fentanyl.
He was a handsome, smart, charming young man who suffered from the illness of drug addiction. For years I thought "he is either going to get well or he is going to die," so the thought of his possible death was not a foreign idea to me. Nevertheless, it was still a shock and held all the requisite emotions of anger, guilt, sadness, disbelief, etc.
I have kept myself very busy: went back to work within a few days, have been completely up-front with people as to why and how he died and have continued on with life, the same activities as before.
Somehow I feel like I am not "grieving enough" or "upset" enough about it . . . . and that makes me feel guilty. Didn't I love him enough, don't I even care that he's gone? It's been so long since he's been drug free it's very hard to remember the good times with him unless it's from when he didn't use drugs. Since then, he's lied and stolen and told all of us to "f__k off" from time to time and generally been absent, physically and emotionally.
Most of the time when I talk to myself about it, I am yelling at him, asking him "Why did you have to do that? Why didn't you stop? Didn't you know how much we all loved you? Do you know what you've done to our family?" Is that wrong?
A grieving father - at Christmas